Unpolitical!

Everywhere we turn at the moment we are being confronted by those wanting us to make a stand. In America the race for President is swinging back into action, there is also the current situation with police brutality which has spilled over into the UK too. Do i have an opinion on these matters? Of course i do but sometimes the reason people don't make a stand for something is because they are already making a stand for another. In my case i stand for child loss. The most important thing to me is to ensure that my daughter did not die in vain. That whether through myself or others campaigning and supporting there is a voice for all those who we have lost far too soon. All the babies lost each day to miscarriage, stillbirth and neo-natal deaths that should not be lost. Children who have died due to neglect either by medical professionals or those who should have been loving and caring for them.

Of course these are not the only losses, sadly death is a part of life and something we cannot escape though some have tried! All loss is devastating from a beloved pet to our closest loved ones but it is also an indisputable part of life and should not be something that we feel unable or uncomfortable to talk about. If we can learn to accept death as the one thing in life we are not going to escape first hand knowledge of maybe we can then also feel we do not have to pretend we are okay when we are clearly not. Bringing death, as difficult and unwanted a subject as it is, out into the open can in turn help those who are not able to just pick up and carry on like nothing has happened.

Also we should not have to do that. We are a world of countless differing belief systems and ideas yet throughout the majority of those death has been taught as a thing to move on from, to quickly get over and put it in the past where it should stay. Dependant on your belief system death may be the end with nothing after or it may be merely a stepping stone to something else, but whatever a person believes the absolute truth is that barring our own deaths we are not going to see a loved one who has died for many years and the feeling of finality of that is not something that can just be brushed aside and glossed over. As those who have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or young child loss know it is not just a one-off loss either, it is all the milestones there are in every person's life that you will never get with that loved one. And while there may be more of them with a baby even with the loss of an older loved one there are still emotional markers missed for example i lost my dad when he was 54 and i was 18 so although he had achieved many milestones in his life there were those in mine he would never get to see which have affected me throughout my life. I am not a philosopher, a psychologist or even a therapist so i have no answer as to why society feels the death of a loved one should be rushed through and the grieving process should be as short as possible. Maybe it is as simple as an aversion to pain, no-one wants to be in pain whether physical or emotional, but by asking those who are in pain to pretend they are okay we are doing them a disservice and possibly ourselves in the long run as no-one knows what their breaking point is. It is entirely likely that someone who encourages another to move on and mouths all the platitudes of grief will one day fall apart themselves as the human psyche can only take so much before cracks appear and once a crack forms it needs treating or else it will become larger and larger until the whole thing collapses.

Besides, why should we have to paper over those cracks instead of taking the time needed to fill them in properly to ensure a smooth finish and less likelihood of a recurrence. Why does society today find death and grief so hard to accept? In many ancient civilisations death was celebrated, the dead were honoured in some extreme ways at times and grief was an acceptable part of life. I am not suggesting we go back to those extremes, i would be pretty annoyed if i was working for someone considered 'noble' who died and all their employees were sealed into a tomb with them to help them on to the afterlife! While the human race may have progressed in some ways, in yet others we have lost our way and our inability to communicate about what would be termed sensitive subjects is definitely one of them. We need to have more open dialogue with others instead of just saying 'i'm fine' when asked and those who ask need to be prepared to really listen as sometimes it's not about having the answers but about being there and showing you care.

So circling back to the start of this post the reason i avoid the political and try to see both sides of a picture is not because i have no personal beliefs. Everyone has some no matter what they say but it is that i feel if i aired my views the way many on social media do, me included in years gone by, it could alienate those who as a mother to a stillborn daughter i want to be able to help. Not because my views are so outrageous but because there are always 2 viewpoints in any discussion and you can't hold both unequivocally. Anyone who knows me or gets to know me will understand that i would never advocate for violence in any situation. Nor would i start slinging insults at others who i have never met but have become acquainted with through our mutual losses and i do not want to have to disassociate with people because they have done that. So i stay quiet, i carry on giving support where i can and doing those things i have come to consider important in my daily life honouring my Bethany Grace, updating the website, drumming up support for raffles and making keepsakes and memory boxes.

We do not have to all agree about things as long as we respect each others opinions. It saddens me when i look around and see people arguing and cursing each other because they are on opposite sides of an emotive issue, or even worse because one won't take a stand. Since when did wanting a peaceful existence, having love for all and knowing right from wrong make you a terrible person? I often feel at a loss in the world at present and not just because of my personal losses. I often feel ill-equipped to deal with the hatred i see around me, that i am not able to cope with the harsh reality of life at times and yet i have dealt with loss and harsh reality more than most people i know which is kind of ironic. What i do know though is that i will always be here for anyone who feels they cannot cope, i may not be able to give practical help but i will always listen and do my best to find alternative help where needed that i can. I will suffer through every loss with every relative out there who asks me to as we all need someone who is willing to acknowledge our grief and tell us it's okay to feel the way we do when it is not how the majority think we should feel. I will always be the voice for my daughter so that although she never took a breath out in this world she will still make a difference. Her death changed me and through that the course of my life changed. I do what i do now because i lost Bethany Grace so never tell me that her life did not count. Through her far too short life others have been comforted and helped for if she had never existed i would more than likely not be doing this. So never feel you cannot grieve your loss, never feel that your loved one did not count or should not be acknowledged every day for the rest of your life if that is what you want to do. As a born-again Christian i find comfort in the Bible and two passages in particular on the subject of grief:- Matthew Ch. 5 v 4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. and Ecclesiastes Ch 3 v 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance, To me this shows that grief is natural and we should not have to hide it or pretend we are not feeling it. To me if my God is fine with me needing to grieve and even told His people to give themselves time then i don't really care what anyone else thinks. I truly hope others will feel able to grieve as they need and that our society will learn that it is not weakness to mourn a loved one but rather strength to take the time to deal with the feelings your loss engenders. That in going through and coming out the other side you can become a much stronger and more compassionate person. Much love and God bless xxx