Why Heaven's Playground?

Hi, for those who don't know me i am Chelle (Michelle) and i gave birth to a stillborn daughter 9 years ago on 7 January 2011. We were told she was absolutely perfect, yet she is not here. So instead i like to think she is in Heaven's Playground with all the other children who left us too early. A place of fun and laughter, no tears, no hate, everyone being kind and sharing and most of all full of love. All the love that i would have given to her had she lived. Bethany Grace was my firstborn as despite previous pregnancies i found it hard to carry past the 12 week mark so when she motored along healthy, growing well, everything completely fine i was sure this time i would have my longed for child. Sadly that was not to be, at least not here on Earth but happily my beliefs are such that i do believe one day we will be together again and what an awesome day that will be, for me anyway lol. In 2018 i was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst, 14 cm in diameter, and it was while i was in The Christie that i found the online loss community. I carefully dipped a toe in the water and wow these people were actually interested in my loss, they did not want me to shut up or get on with my life, they encouraged me to talk about Bethany and they opened my eyes to a whole new world that i had no idea existed. Is the online community perfect? No, not by a long shot, we are all human after all with the attendant frailties of our species but i will always be grateful to those who welcomed me into their community with open arms and hearts and let me feel that at last i could talk about my daughter, that i was not alone and that i was not crazy or needed to 'man up' because i was still struggling to deal with my loss. Having been in a support and graphics group i then created one of my own. I feel it was a stepping stone to where i wanted to end up, maybe one day i will get there or maybe this will be as far as i go, who knows, but i do know that i am now more positive about what the future holds and can almost see one for myself, which for a long time i could not. I am not an expert on loss, although i have lost a lot of people close to me. I am just one woman trying to make sense of a world i don't really understand and am not really sure of my place in. If i can help just one person feel better, make them smile or laugh, in some way lighten their burden for a moment then i consider that day a win. This life is quick to drag us down, social media has made an army of keyboard warriors who tear others to bits and online bullying is all too real and it is not just children who are bullied either. If we can stand up and be counted on the reverse side of that coin, building others up and working to help those in need then shouldn't we do that?

My mantra now is WWIWFB - What Would I Want for Bethany - would i want people who would pick her apart and make her feel worthless or would i want her to be in a world where kindness, generosity, care for each other and love is held in high regard. I think the answer is obvious so every day i try to think about my little angel and be a positive force out there. Just one woman can't make much of a difference even as loud as i am! but if that one becomes an army of loss survivors out there making their angels proud then maybe we can achieve great things. John Donne said "No man is an island" and with the technology and social media of today it is surprisingly easy to think he is wrong, many of us are islands and we think we like it that way, but we were never meant to be. We function best as part of a community which is why many seek one online. So let us come together as a community, support each other and be the positive change this world needs.